From where I stand, I can see tables filled with laughing and talking people. On the first table on my right sits Girlie Daliva, a proud Sports Editor of Philippine Daily Inquirer. Up to this time, Girlie is still single; she is busy with PDI and her charity work as a volunteer on Women and Children’s Protection (WCP). She talks with Christine Perez and Lydia Luisa H. del Pilar.

Kit is a Communication Professor at the Ateneo de Manila University and with Girlie at the WCP. She is happily married with two kids. Luisa has five children and works as a writer in a magazine catering to mothers. She and Lam plan to have a second honeymoon in Paris. Beside Luisa is Heidy Landrito, mother of two boys and a devoted Events Coordinator. She married a guy from their congregation.

On the table next to Girlie’s sits Neil Darrius Javier, Emmanuel Timajo, Miguel Velasco,  Jessica Sandra de la Rosa, Cathleen Fitz Teretit, Camille Makayan, Precious Francisco and Grace Palpal-latoc. Neil is a showbiz talk show host now in GMA 7 and has a handsome boyfriend whom he/she claimed to be so in love with him/her. Em is convincing Neil to walk in the right path. Em is a life guard at one of the many beaches at Camarines Sur. He is a certified playboy now; he gave up writing just to see girls wearing skimpy skimpy clothes and he has 40 children with different mothers whom he made love with at the beach. Migs married Marge after graduation and they have two kids. He works as a Radio Announcer in DZMM.

 Jeka, talking with Fitz and Cams is now an Events Coordinator in an Ad Agency. She has three sons and plans to migrate abroad. Fitz is now employed with Disney and now busy with her latest cartoon project. After completing having relationships with all the saints, she married Jesus, a rich guy she met at a meeting in Hong Kong. They have four kids. Cams is a stay-at-home mom with six kids. She helps her husband financially by being an online tutor and writer.

Precious, after Francine, added three kids. Like Cams, she is a stay-at-home mom. She enjoys conversing and doing her children’s assignments. Grace is an English teacher at an elementary school near their home. She is married with one kid.

A table from my left is filled with enthusiastic old people chatting and laughing. The star of that table is Henry Revita, he is so excited to talk about many things. On his right is his wife, pretty and fat lady whom he met at a conference in Bicol. Pike owns a call center now and is busy making money.

Jan Claude Bonares and Marinel Joy Lacson – Bonares are in that table too. They get married after two years prior to graduation and now have two beautiful daughters who are now both in high school. MJ is working as an Account Executive in one of the largest Advertising Agency in the Philippines while Claude continues their family business (Café). Claude is having an affair with a college girl without MJ’s knowledge.

Emylyn Castalla is sitting beside MJ and busy talking to her. She is now married with five kids. She lives in California USA and just came to attend the reunion. Jose Andronico Wangag is with Joba, they are now married with one daughter. Nico is the publisher of Manila Standard Today. He modernizes and builds up MST’s image and made it the Number Two newspaper in the country, PDI as Number One. Nico brings Joba wherever he may go, they are happily married.

Nico converses with Gilbert Monge, PDI’s EIC. He and Mae married after five years preceding graduation. Every TTH, Gilbert, Claude and Pike meets at a gym in Makati, the reason why they have firm muscles and masculine bodies now. Girls can’t help but to stare at them and whisper “God! You’re so HOT!” Gilbert has a house in Switzerland where he and his family spend Christmas and vacations.

Julian Miguel Javier is absent because he has an affair to attend. It’s the 21^st anniversary of the club he founded. He is still single and still having identity crisis due to his multiple personality. He lives in a big house together with his Anime Club friends. Kathleen Velasco married a French man. They have three kids and they live in Paris.

Sir Alex is there, still kicking. He is with his European girlfriend; they just visit the country to attend JO8A’s reunion. They live together and have a restaurant in Paris, France.

I sit in the vacant chair besides Ate Em. I am now the Department Chair of Communication Department of the University of the East. After graduation, I became part of the Communication Department of UST and UE while taking my Masters Degree.  I am married with two kids, a girl and a boy.

I looked at the crowd ahead of me. Day dreaming again.  It’s good to imagine future outcomes of this AB Journalism Batch 2009. That’s why I always wanted to sit at the back of the class because I can peek, watch and envision moves and products of these students who dreamt of a brighter future inside this cold computer lab at the sixth floor of PODCIT.

I am not a fortune teller but let me just give you piece of my dreams and guess for JO8A ’09, and this is it.

We only have few weeks prior to graduation and it is nice to know that we are able and still trying our very best to pass the course we chose. I, together with my friends have several plans after we graduate. We want to first get a good vacation and then apply for a passport; we want to get a job somewhere in Europe or USA or perhaps in Switzerland, but of course, these are all just plans, just a vision. For all we know, we might end up in a call center or worse, be trapped inside our house.

            This graduation thing delights and frightens me for I am afraid that I would end up like other graduates there who add up to the increasing number of unemployed people in our country though it is fulfilling to finish a degree. Because of the global financial crisis, there are quite a few companies who discontinue operating or lay offing half of their employees and if you are not that persistent, you would encounter great problems in applying for a good position or job.

            Alongside this problem is the mismatch of skills and work of journalism graduates. I know some journalism students and graduates who are until now unsure of why they took this course. For instance, a student is good in math but terrible in his grammar; he just enrolled in journalism because he saw the Journalism Code of Ethics attached outside Dr. Zafra’s office. He can work in a publication but in Finance or Accounting Department.

            Another problem I see is the temptation of shifting into Public Relations (PR) business. Countless of our past professors encouraged us to enter PR because according to them, we could not raise a family if we are just going to stay as a journalist. Even our current professor persuade us to go into PR, there is not a day that goes by without him pushing us to praise him for being one of the greatest people who live on earth.

            And because of this increasing number of journalism students and graduates who choose to go into other communications-related fields like advertising and PR since they are more lucrative career, possible journalism majors are now afraid to take this course for the fear of not finding a job after graduation. Instead, they take Broadcasting or Advertising. This makes me think of journalism and journalism students and graduates as endangered species. They are one of a kind considering their skills and talents over everything yet it is depressing to think that they are being put to death by unkind circumstances.

            I hope that as AB Journalism Batch 2009 graduates, we will be able to change this trend, if not the world. J

            I was surrounded by tall coconut trees and I suddenly realized that I was or we were at the beach (if he didn’t leave me alone). I walked towards the sound of the waves from the sea and enjoyed the sand touching my feet. I finally saw him, waiting for me. He smiled when he saw me and waved for me to come over.

            His was the most beautiful smile I have ever seen and that simple gesture melted my heart and all my guards. When I reached him, he held my hand and motioned me to sit down. He pointed at the sea and that was when I realized that he wanted me to watch the sunset. I appreciate it too much that I felt a little upset after the sun disappeared through the night.

            A gentle tapped on my shoulder distracted me from being annoyed with the sun. I looked around and saw a bonfire behind us, which might be the reason why I didn’t feel cold though I have low tolerance in wintry places like this and it also served as our light after the sun settled down.

Over the blanket we were sitting were two plates and two glasses. There were also a bottle of wine, a large box of pizza, fried chickens and a tray of lasagna. He served the food and we talked about people we knew and the places we’ve been before while eating. We lay down and gazed at the stars and the moon as we discussed things of our interest.

After a while, my date stood up and offered his hand, asking me to dance. I was deeply enticed by our conversation that I hadn’t been aware that he brought his Ipod player and speaker and had it played. I took his hand and stood up, he held my hand for a moment and looked me in the eye and whisper something I hardly understood. My heart was pounding so fast and loud that for a moment, I couldn’t hear of anything but my heartbeat.

            Noel put my hands in his shoulders and hugged me tight and started swinging left and right. He murmured something again and I finally understood what he was saying: he told me he loved me. I froze after comprehending what I heard and he stopped swaying. He looked at me, worried that my asthma took on me again but I said nothing, I just looked at him, doubting if he really loved me.

            He smiled after seeing that I was alright and held my chin, he bended his head forward and said “I love you” again and was about to kiss me when an unkind shook on my shoulders woke me up from kissing Noel!

            “Joevie, wake up! You’re day dreaming again!” it was Kit, her face red and worried. Kit is my friend but for that moment I wanted to break her into pieces. Imagine, Noel was about to kiss me, almost there but she interrupted. But then again, I couldn’t be angry with a friend who saved me once more from that wonderful date. Yeah it was my dream date but it would be better if I would be with someone not Noel. I had dream of this date a thousand times before with the same man and I knew that we couldn’t be more than friends.

            It would be nice to watch the sun setting at the beach with a box of pizza and a tray of lasagna and afterwards danced with the moon but it would be right if I was with the right man, no commitments and serious about telling me he loved me. I couldn’t afford to hope and fall again with those few dates we had in my dreams no matter how right and good it felt like.

            But then again, it’s better to dream then do nothing at all. Thanks to Noel and Kit, my friends and constant reminders of reality.

            I was so excited then to attend our section’s socialization after the heavy projects and examinations we had during the semester. It was planned very well and we had enough budget to celebrate.

            The address where the party would be held was given to us and after a few when and where questions were answered, I strongly believed that I could locate the site alone. Anyway, I was still accompanied by a friend. She and I met at Goldilocks (Trinoma) and bought some cakes.

            Our other classmates talked about seeing each other but I don’t have any idea when and where they would meet. And so I felt strange after seeing them hopping inside a jeepney outside Trinoma. It was so strange, there must be a force holding journ students to definitely combine together.

            Our classmates felt surprised about seeing us and we all laughed at the experience. I breathe a sigh of relief, too easy for me, I could sleep inside the jeepney with others there finding our way to the party.

            Along our journey to the place, the jeepney was caught by a traffic officer. We didn’t know exactly what happened, but we felt it as the driver drove as fast and furiously as he can. We didn’t have a choice but to hold tightly at the jeep’s handles.

            It was a great miracle to finally reach our destination. Too bad that we walked under the burning sun as the driver pulled up at the wrong place. He was too agitated to forget where we said we were going, pity him.

            The place and people were warm and we easily felt at home as we set the barbecue and the other foods we would be having. Everything was great, we took plenty of pictures and played some games. Well, some of my classmates wouldn’t consider it as games, but for me, I played with them. After eating delicious barbecues we made, some overcooked and some half cooked, we drunk a good number of alcoholic drinks brought by one of my classmates.

            The moment of grand pleasure ended when finally, the alcohol I drunk got into my heads. I know what I was doing despite the fact that I wasn’t capable enough to control myself anymore. I spilled some of my secrets. That’s the first time I got too drunk and it was a shame though my luck guaranteed me with few audiences as my other classmates already left before I started the show.

            It was all a blur.  I thought I was dreaming until the next day, my friend confirmed that I temporarily lost my mind the other night. She told me things I couldn’t believe. It was devastation on my part. The socialization I planned so long ago suddenly betrayed me.

            But then, I thought of the experience. My professor was right; I better lose my self with my classmates, we would learn from each other. After all, it was the greatest and happiest event that happened to me in 2008, I felt different emotions that day that led me to being stronger now. I couldn’t be drunk with two cases of beers now or anything alcoholic. Laugh!

-30-

            I’m not particular when it comes to gifts. I accept everything that is given to me and it makes me feel so happy, so special. When my mom gave me a Christmas present, I didn’t realize that because of that present, I would hear the most painful words a daughter could hear from her mother.

            Mother and I were eating at McDonald’s when she handed me a box wrapped in silver and gold paper. She asked me to open it and I agreed. The box contained a lovely shirt and a sexy pair of jeans and I was really glad having them as a present. Mom asked me to go and fit the jeans but I refused to and explained that it would be awkward to fit the jeans inside McDo’s restroom. It would be hard for me because the space was so small and there were other people who also needed to use the restroom.  My mother frantically shouted at me, with other people looking at us, saying that I didn’t appreciate things she gave and she walked out.

            When I got home, some of my belongings were packed in two bags and mom said that I could live. She gave me P500.00 and said that she didn’t want to see me again and that I was a useless and worthless person and that she regretted conceiving me and bringing me on earth.

            I strongly believe that that’s the worst gift I ever received plus the painful words told by my mother. I spent my Christmas at my father’s house, I didn’t tell him anything.

            As for the worst gift I ever gave, there was none. I don’t give when I don’t feel like it. Every present I gave came from my heart and a simple smile from the person I share it with is the most priceless gift I would ever receive.

I wondered how Uncle Ben had a face to show after what he did to me. I looked straight at him; I wanted to catch his gaze for him to be able to stop acting as if nothing happened a few months ago. I wanted to stab him using the fork I was holding that moment. I wish for his death every now and then.

I took a glance at everybody: my stepmother, my grandmother, Uncle Ben’s wife and children, Uncle Ben and my father. They were all happy, laughing and talking unstoppably. I wanted to scream! How could they have the guts to talk to me and my father like that? They were all hypocrites!

It was Christmas vacation when my grandmother invited me to stay at their house. Uncle Ben’s house was situated besides my grandmother’s house that was the reason why I often times watched movie, ate and slept at Uncle Ben’s residence.

 One evening, Kate, Uncle Ben’s daughter asked me to watch movies at their house, she rented many. After we watched movie, we slept on her bedroom, sharing one bed, it was one o-clock in the morning then. I was having a dream about the course I would take after high school graduation when I felt that someone was tickling my neck. I tried to move but I could not, someone was holding my arms and when I opened my eyes I saw a man on top of me kissing my neck.

I gained all my strength to push the man and to scream. When I stood up, I screamed at the top of my lungs and grabbed a book from my cousin’s bookshelves and threw it at the man. Of course, the whole neighbourhood awaked at my voice. Kate stood up and opened the lights as Auntie Tess, Uncle Ben’s wife, entered the room. I felt afraid when I saw that Uncle Ben was the one who harassed me, I trusted him and treated him like a second father. I wanted to sue him but my grandmother prevented me from doing it because the family’s reputation was at stake. They talked to me and explained that it would not happen again, that Uncle Ben was out of his mind that night and that it was just a mistake, that he was not able to rape me, that my virginity was still intact; they said all things that a kindergarten student would believe.

I wished it was just all part of my course-hunting dream. That that dream just turned out to be a nightmare, that I would soon be awake. That my family would not let me down, that Uncle Ben would not do what he did to me and my grandmother would touch my hair and calm me down and tell me that everything would be alright, but they did not. The nightmare was still there and all I could do after the confrontation was to cry. I felt sorry for myself for trusting and expecting a love I would not get from those evil people. They were evil, they would not have the capacity to love.

And so my father did not have the chance to know all that was done to me by his so called “family”. They acted as if nothing happened. They did not care what effects that evening could have done to my brain, emotion and behaviour. They still got allowances from my father, they could stay at our house, they could crack a joke and they could do whatever they want and I wish all of them death.

That was the reason why I do not like men, boys, guys, whatever they call themselves. I do not let myself fall because once you trusted them, they took advantage and do whatever they wanted to your body. And whenever a man touched me, I thought of Uncle Ben’s demonic laughter and face so I keep a distance and never fall again.

            As much as possible, I detached myself from everybody or from anything. Whenever I feel that I am falling, I do something to kill any affection, fondness or love I am feeling. I could not trust my heart to anyone after what happened to me, I do not want to experience any nightmares anymore. Once is enough.